"Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other exceeds your need for each other."
It's a simple thing, but there is so much anxiety and guilt attached to it, I just don't know where to start.
Tomorrow, I will step foot in the ROTC house for the first time since leaving LTC after only a week with my company. During that week, I spoke with numerous drill sergeants, MSG Pittman, the Colonel from ISU and a female General. Each one of these individuals talked about how I should stay, the benefits in financial security, physical performance, mental prowess and overall growth and development... blah, blah, blah. I learned about the personal life of my battalion's drill sergeant (he is a mailman with a wife and two kids). I was told how I had everything it takes to be a strong leader and rise through the ranks of the Army.
Clearly, with all due respect, they were wrong.
I left after one week. I went through intake, the hardest and most emotional part of the entire month. I took the first night shift of watch. I was selected to be the first squad leader because of the exemplary skills I possessed, according to the 1st Sergeant who watched over our squad. I tackled the road march, sustained numerous foot injuries, handled an extreme weather situation with ease and maturity. I showed every aspect of being a good leader, of being a disciplined, strong-willed future soldier.
And yet, I left.
I've had a lot of people come to me and ask me, "Why? What happened?" and I honestly was too much of a coward to just tell the truth.
There are a few big reasons, and I want to give you them all. Take away from this what you want, and believe what you want, but please, just don't judge me.
1. This is the hardest one for me to admit. I got homesick. I missed my family, I missed my boyfriend. I felt the impending 8-year contract looming over my head, waiting to crash down on me as soon as I signed that form. They wanted me to stay, just so I had the option. But I honestly didn't want the pressure of having to choose. I was a selfish, cowardly person. Not Army material.
2. I missed Matt. I had ruined the engagement, and then threw this at him, saying, "Oh, hey, I'm gonna join the Army. Hope that's okay." And I really hated that I did that. I wanted to come home and have him be so happy to have me back. Instead... well, he wasn't. He told me I shouldn't have come home for him. I should've stayed in the Army. Up until last week, he's been saying it on a pretty consistent basis. I wanted to come home and fix things, but you can never go back. I learned that the hard way.
3. Honestly, I expected it to be more demanding than it was. There was so little order, I felt like we were the first group to ever go through this program. No one ever knew what was going on. There were late nights every night where people were switching bunks, overflow was being placed in extra housing... it was chaos. I don't know how they would've organized had something huge happened, but I don't think they could have done it.
4. I had some difficult medical issues. Before I left for LTC, I had a blunt trauma to the foot. This caused internal bruising that was worsened by the boots. Additionally, I have nerve damage in my big toes, which spread as the hours of standing, running and walking in combat boots increased. Thirdly, the biggest thing is that I have fallen arches. I went to a podiatrist after starting training for ROTC because I was having shooting pains in my ankles. I was told that I could either wear orthotics for at least 3 months, or risk getting surgery within a few weeks. I chose to wear the insoles, but was also told to decrease the amount of physical activity I was doing. I didn't. When I got to LTC, my feet were in such bad shape, I couldn't fit them into my boots because of the swelling and misshapenness. Lastly, and this is the part I find difficult to admit because I never would have been in that situation had I not done this... I went for my physical to be accepted into the ROTC program. They did a full examination. The doctor looked at my feet and determined that I had flat feet. I plead with him, please, to mark down that thye were within normal range. After a little coercing, he did. I should have never lied.
And so, for all of those reasons, I am back home in good 'ole IL. And I don't regret it. I don't think.
That's the hardest part. I keep thinking about the what if. They told me, the majority of the people who do leave LTC regret it. And I never even thought I would be one of those people to leave. But here I am... And I question everything that has happened since.
Because, here I am, sitting in Watterson, a junior Social Work major, catching up with 19 credit hours; a member of a service sorority ESA, employed by a local restaurant.
Not one of those things has anything to do with the Army (just in case that wasn't clear). And I wonder, is this right?
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I intended to be."
I read this quote a while ago and thought, "I know there will be a day when this will be true, but it certainly isn't today."
I am terrified to go into that building tomorrow, to face the people who saw me walk away. I know they see me as weak and cowardly. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I left and let down so many people. And yeah, I will admit it because at this point, what do I have to hide, I lied to people. I told them I was leaving for XYZ reason because I knew that my reasons were bullshit. That being homesick was weak. That wanting to win back the love of your life was "lame" in Army standards.
But goddamnit, it makes sense to me. I hurt a lot of people when I made the decision to leave. I confused many more and worried more than a few. And I wanted more than anything to have those people's trust, belief and confidence in me back. Some people who thought they knew me were taken aback by this seemingly sudden decision. It seemed uncharacteristic of me. It was, in some ways, and not in others.
But I made that choice. And then I made another. Life is no more than the series of choices people make. To wake up in the morning, or not. To try something new, or not. To stay comfortable, or not. To live, or not. I made a choice. It was, as it seems, the wrong one. I made another, and tried to fix it. And here I am now, making yet another choice, hoping it's the right one, to share this all with everyone.
I guess I not only want to finally get the truth out there, cowardly as it is, but I want to apologize, finally.
I know I hurt you when I said I was going. I wanted your support, but I never should have demanded it. I know you loved me and didn't want to see anything bad happen to me. And I'm sure there was distance put between us when I made this choice. But I made a second one to come home. I never signed those papers because I realized what my true intentions should be. I came back for you, take it or leave it.
And everyone else, you do know me better than I know myself, I swear. Sorry for the confusion and the strange choice. I'm learning, just like you, who I am. That is not it.
I will post this, and read it later and go, wow... that wasn't at all what I meant to say half the time. But it's closer than I have been as of late trying to explain things.
I'll add more later or try again to explain this... but please, ask me questions if you want to know something.
Tomorrow, I will step foot in the ROTC house for the first time since leaving LTC after only a week with my company. During that week, I spoke with numerous drill sergeants, MSG Pittman, the Colonel from ISU and a female General. Each one of these individuals talked about how I should stay, the benefits in financial security, physical performance, mental prowess and overall growth and development... blah, blah, blah. I learned about the personal life of my battalion's drill sergeant (he is a mailman with a wife and two kids). I was told how I had everything it takes to be a strong leader and rise through the ranks of the Army.
Clearly, with all due respect, they were wrong.
I left after one week. I went through intake, the hardest and most emotional part of the entire month. I took the first night shift of watch. I was selected to be the first squad leader because of the exemplary skills I possessed, according to the 1st Sergeant who watched over our squad. I tackled the road march, sustained numerous foot injuries, handled an extreme weather situation with ease and maturity. I showed every aspect of being a good leader, of being a disciplined, strong-willed future soldier.
And yet, I left.
I've had a lot of people come to me and ask me, "Why? What happened?" and I honestly was too much of a coward to just tell the truth.
There are a few big reasons, and I want to give you them all. Take away from this what you want, and believe what you want, but please, just don't judge me.
1. This is the hardest one for me to admit. I got homesick. I missed my family, I missed my boyfriend. I felt the impending 8-year contract looming over my head, waiting to crash down on me as soon as I signed that form. They wanted me to stay, just so I had the option. But I honestly didn't want the pressure of having to choose. I was a selfish, cowardly person. Not Army material.
2. I missed Matt. I had ruined the engagement, and then threw this at him, saying, "Oh, hey, I'm gonna join the Army. Hope that's okay." And I really hated that I did that. I wanted to come home and have him be so happy to have me back. Instead... well, he wasn't. He told me I shouldn't have come home for him. I should've stayed in the Army. Up until last week, he's been saying it on a pretty consistent basis. I wanted to come home and fix things, but you can never go back. I learned that the hard way.
3. Honestly, I expected it to be more demanding than it was. There was so little order, I felt like we were the first group to ever go through this program. No one ever knew what was going on. There were late nights every night where people were switching bunks, overflow was being placed in extra housing... it was chaos. I don't know how they would've organized had something huge happened, but I don't think they could have done it.
4. I had some difficult medical issues. Before I left for LTC, I had a blunt trauma to the foot. This caused internal bruising that was worsened by the boots. Additionally, I have nerve damage in my big toes, which spread as the hours of standing, running and walking in combat boots increased. Thirdly, the biggest thing is that I have fallen arches. I went to a podiatrist after starting training for ROTC because I was having shooting pains in my ankles. I was told that I could either wear orthotics for at least 3 months, or risk getting surgery within a few weeks. I chose to wear the insoles, but was also told to decrease the amount of physical activity I was doing. I didn't. When I got to LTC, my feet were in such bad shape, I couldn't fit them into my boots because of the swelling and misshapenness. Lastly, and this is the part I find difficult to admit because I never would have been in that situation had I not done this... I went for my physical to be accepted into the ROTC program. They did a full examination. The doctor looked at my feet and determined that I had flat feet. I plead with him, please, to mark down that thye were within normal range. After a little coercing, he did. I should have never lied.
And so, for all of those reasons, I am back home in good 'ole IL. And I don't regret it. I don't think.
That's the hardest part. I keep thinking about the what if. They told me, the majority of the people who do leave LTC regret it. And I never even thought I would be one of those people to leave. But here I am... And I question everything that has happened since.
Because, here I am, sitting in Watterson, a junior Social Work major, catching up with 19 credit hours; a member of a service sorority ESA, employed by a local restaurant.
Not one of those things has anything to do with the Army (just in case that wasn't clear). And I wonder, is this right?
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I ended up where I intended to be."
I read this quote a while ago and thought, "I know there will be a day when this will be true, but it certainly isn't today."
I am terrified to go into that building tomorrow, to face the people who saw me walk away. I know they see me as weak and cowardly. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because I left and let down so many people. And yeah, I will admit it because at this point, what do I have to hide, I lied to people. I told them I was leaving for XYZ reason because I knew that my reasons were bullshit. That being homesick was weak. That wanting to win back the love of your life was "lame" in Army standards.
But goddamnit, it makes sense to me. I hurt a lot of people when I made the decision to leave. I confused many more and worried more than a few. And I wanted more than anything to have those people's trust, belief and confidence in me back. Some people who thought they knew me were taken aback by this seemingly sudden decision. It seemed uncharacteristic of me. It was, in some ways, and not in others.
But I made that choice. And then I made another. Life is no more than the series of choices people make. To wake up in the morning, or not. To try something new, or not. To stay comfortable, or not. To live, or not. I made a choice. It was, as it seems, the wrong one. I made another, and tried to fix it. And here I am now, making yet another choice, hoping it's the right one, to share this all with everyone.
I guess I not only want to finally get the truth out there, cowardly as it is, but I want to apologize, finally.
I know I hurt you when I said I was going. I wanted your support, but I never should have demanded it. I know you loved me and didn't want to see anything bad happen to me. And I'm sure there was distance put between us when I made this choice. But I made a second one to come home. I never signed those papers because I realized what my true intentions should be. I came back for you, take it or leave it.
And everyone else, you do know me better than I know myself, I swear. Sorry for the confusion and the strange choice. I'm learning, just like you, who I am. That is not it.
I will post this, and read it later and go, wow... that wasn't at all what I meant to say half the time. But it's closer than I have been as of late trying to explain things.
I'll add more later or try again to explain this... but please, ask me questions if you want to know something.
- Mood:
confused
So someone told me that I should be more like him and blog about how I feel. However, I took off the last entry. It was far too expressive and would only cause trouble. I'll re-write it into less... emotional terms, and try and repost.
I am about to leave for work, but I certainly can't do that while in the mindset I have right now.
I am so incredibly confused. I just read Matt's post, and I'm supposed to go meet him in 20 minutes to talk and mull things over yet again. But, I don't know if I can. I am just going to hear the worst possible thing he could say to me, and have to try and pretend I am okay. I am going to lose him. He wants freedom to run off and travel the world, to find some mysterious "thing" that is missing, to do whatever and whoever he wants... and I just can't believe I devoted a year to him. I look back and only see all the effort and emotion and promises and love that went into this and don't understand, just DON'T understand how he can throw it all away. Yes, we had rough times, but goddamnit if there wasn't amazing times to make up for it. I want to sit and plead with him, cry and beg and work with him until he realizes what he's doing. But I know I shouldn't. I know he doesn't want that. I should be a big girl and just let him go on his merry way.
But now I'm just another page in his book, and he's gonna move on.
I can't stand it knowing that he could find someone else. We were going to get married for God's sake. We were engaged... I know I made mistakes. I'm an imperfect person, just as he is imperfect.
He's going to want to be friends. And I just don't know how or if I can do that now... It took Ben and me a good year of not really associating to be able to have the relationship we do now. But he's going to want to maintain this illusion of a friendship that he sees, and to be honest, I can't watch him run off to another state, lose contact and call me one day to tell me he's getting married, or having a baby...
This isn't right. I feel like I must be dreaming and that I'm going to wake up somewhere back in the past where we're still together and I can make this right.
I've never felt like this before. This is overwhelming pain... it catches me off guard, grabs hold, throws me around, and then pushes me to the floor so that I'm dizzy and bruised and wondering what is going on.
This was supposed to be rectifyed. I feel like I was so close to getting him back. I must have done something. I can't even... I have to stop typing this. I sound like a lunatic. I know so many things, but really, I know nothing.
I am sad, upset, mad, angry, depressed, frustrated, confused, hurt, and falling apart at the seams.
I need my best friend, but he's currently unavailable, as he's plotting his walk over here and what he's going to say to let me down easy.
Fuck it all.
I am so incredibly confused. I just read Matt's post, and I'm supposed to go meet him in 20 minutes to talk and mull things over yet again. But, I don't know if I can. I am just going to hear the worst possible thing he could say to me, and have to try and pretend I am okay. I am going to lose him. He wants freedom to run off and travel the world, to find some mysterious "thing" that is missing, to do whatever and whoever he wants... and I just can't believe I devoted a year to him. I look back and only see all the effort and emotion and promises and love that went into this and don't understand, just DON'T understand how he can throw it all away. Yes, we had rough times, but goddamnit if there wasn't amazing times to make up for it. I want to sit and plead with him, cry and beg and work with him until he realizes what he's doing. But I know I shouldn't. I know he doesn't want that. I should be a big girl and just let him go on his merry way.
But now I'm just another page in his book, and he's gonna move on.
I can't stand it knowing that he could find someone else. We were going to get married for God's sake. We were engaged... I know I made mistakes. I'm an imperfect person, just as he is imperfect.
He's going to want to be friends. And I just don't know how or if I can do that now... It took Ben and me a good year of not really associating to be able to have the relationship we do now. But he's going to want to maintain this illusion of a friendship that he sees, and to be honest, I can't watch him run off to another state, lose contact and call me one day to tell me he's getting married, or having a baby...
This isn't right. I feel like I must be dreaming and that I'm going to wake up somewhere back in the past where we're still together and I can make this right.
I've never felt like this before. This is overwhelming pain... it catches me off guard, grabs hold, throws me around, and then pushes me to the floor so that I'm dizzy and bruised and wondering what is going on.
This was supposed to be rectifyed. I feel like I was so close to getting him back. I must have done something. I can't even... I have to stop typing this. I sound like a lunatic. I know so many things, but really, I know nothing.
I am sad, upset, mad, angry, depressed, frustrated, confused, hurt, and falling apart at the seams.
I need my best friend, but he's currently unavailable, as he's plotting his walk over here and what he's going to say to let me down easy.
Fuck it all.
- Mood:
done
I've learned that someone can love without being loving.
I've learned that someone can hear without actually hearing.
I've learned that eyes can be open, yet not actually see.
I've learned that the truth isn't always easy to hear, but it can be impossible to say.
I've learned that dependence is just another word for weakness.
I've learned that motivation MUST come from within one's self.
I've learned that everything will pass; every hour, every day, every sad time and every happy one. Nothing lasts forever.
I've learned that you have to have reasons for what you want.
I've learned that without them, you'll find yourself wondering, "Why?"
I've learned that being alone might not be the worst thing.
I've learned that being alone doesn't mean solitary confinement, but time for one's self.
I've learned that "alone" is a relative term.
I've learned that love is a person, a place, and thing, but is rarely concrete.
I've learned that love is an idea.
I've learned that chasing after a feeling is foolish.
I've learned that good things come to those that wait.
I've learned that great things come to those that wait no longer than today.
I've learned that extraordinary things come to those who plan ahead.
I've learned that things rarely go according to those plans.
And so...
I'm learning to take things in stride.
I'm learning to find motivation and drive within myself.
I'm learning to accept that people won't always be there when you need them.
I'm learning that people won't always be how you need them.
I'm learning to let go of feelings that want to leave and hold on to those that beg to stay.
I'm learning to follow my own path rather than blazing one within sight of someone else's.
I'm learning, finally, that I can't please everyone so I might as well please myself.
Granted, these are all just thoughts. Some of them are mandates I've taken into order. But mostly, these are things I've observed and considered in the past month or so. I wish I could make everyone understand me, and make me understand them. But really, it just can't happen that way. If everyone in my life told me exactly what they wanted, or at least something as close to what they could conjure their tangible wants to be, my life would be easier.
Did I mention I'm learning that every inconvience, every problem it not a setback, but rather a challenge that I'm meant to overcome?
I've learned that someone can hear without actually hearing.
I've learned that eyes can be open, yet not actually see.
I've learned that the truth isn't always easy to hear, but it can be impossible to say.
I've learned that dependence is just another word for weakness.
I've learned that motivation MUST come from within one's self.
I've learned that everything will pass; every hour, every day, every sad time and every happy one. Nothing lasts forever.
I've learned that you have to have reasons for what you want.
I've learned that without them, you'll find yourself wondering, "Why?"
I've learned that being alone might not be the worst thing.
I've learned that being alone doesn't mean solitary confinement, but time for one's self.
I've learned that "alone" is a relative term.
I've learned that love is a person, a place, and thing, but is rarely concrete.
I've learned that love is an idea.
I've learned that chasing after a feeling is foolish.
I've learned that good things come to those that wait.
I've learned that great things come to those that wait no longer than today.
I've learned that extraordinary things come to those who plan ahead.
I've learned that things rarely go according to those plans.
And so...
I'm learning to take things in stride.
I'm learning to find motivation and drive within myself.
I'm learning to accept that people won't always be there when you need them.
I'm learning that people won't always be how you need them.
I'm learning to let go of feelings that want to leave and hold on to those that beg to stay.
I'm learning to follow my own path rather than blazing one within sight of someone else's.
I'm learning, finally, that I can't please everyone so I might as well please myself.
Granted, these are all just thoughts. Some of them are mandates I've taken into order. But mostly, these are things I've observed and considered in the past month or so. I wish I could make everyone understand me, and make me understand them. But really, it just can't happen that way. If everyone in my life told me exactly what they wanted, or at least something as close to what they could conjure their tangible wants to be, my life would be easier.
Did I mention I'm learning that every inconvience, every problem it not a setback, but rather a challenge that I'm meant to overcome?
- Mood: confused
Why am I still awake? I have four classes tomorrow and a crapload of reading to catch up on (once I get my books). So what in God's name am I sitting here for?
Because I can't keep my eyes closed.
Because I can't call the one person who knows me well enough to make things better.
Because thoughts of previous years keep running through my mind.
Because the endless loop of feeling angry, then sad, then anxious, then doubtful, then angry again, just. won't. quit.
Because I'm finally realizing in more coherent terms what I've done to my life.
It would make perfect sense that life would wait until I'd made enough of a fool out of myself to come crashing down around me. It would wait until I'm all but alone in a strange apartment, living with strange people in a strange town, miles from the only place that's ever felt like home to me, at a deeply cold, dark hour of night.
Sorry that this sounds so incredibly self-centered and emotastic. It'll be better in the morning, right?
Because I can't keep my eyes closed.
Because I can't call the one person who knows me well enough to make things better.
Because thoughts of previous years keep running through my mind.
Because the endless loop of feeling angry, then sad, then anxious, then doubtful, then angry again, just. won't. quit.
Because I'm finally realizing in more coherent terms what I've done to my life.
It would make perfect sense that life would wait until I'd made enough of a fool out of myself to come crashing down around me. It would wait until I'm all but alone in a strange apartment, living with strange people in a strange town, miles from the only place that's ever felt like home to me, at a deeply cold, dark hour of night.
Sorry that this sounds so incredibly self-centered and emotastic. It'll be better in the morning, right?
I'm starting to come down off the caffeine (a word I finally learned to spell properly today) buzz and it's not a good thing. I can't think clearly anymore, most likely from studying for nearly 12 hours straight, the time of night (morning?) it is, the lack of sleep, the massive amount of caffeine... and God only knows what else. I'm shaking and sick to my stomach, and feel unaccomplished, unprepared and unproductive. I'm lacking motivation and only want to go to sleep. But though my mind is tired, my body is still feeling the lingering affects of the coffee.
On a better note, it stopped snowing. Finally...
And I saw Bob today. We really aren't that close anymore, and it makes me so sad. I've seen him maybe 5 times this semester, but last year, I would see him 5 times a day. It kills me that my social interactions have deteriorated this far. I wish I knew where to even start to bring them back.
I feel so alone right now... Not in an emo way or anything. Really, stating this is just stating a fact. I am alone. I have been alone since the semester started.
I realized today that I've been separated from everything I care about. My education, God, my family, my fiance, my friends, my extracurriculars, my health... I hoped originally that all these things would thrive and grow. Now I'm lucky if they've even remained stagnant rather than just plummeting to the ground.
My grades are terrible. My only relationship with God is asking constantly for help, never praising Him or doing things to glorify Him. My family life is something I desire so much right now, but I've put myself in a position where I wasted the years I had with them and now am suffering without them. My only love is over 200 miles away and our relationship is stagnating. I haven't gone out with friends in the longest time, and when I have, I've felt awkward, guilty and separated. I've dropped every extracurricular I had, which wasn't even a lot to start with, because I've been trying to juggle work, RA and school. I've been sick and unhealthy for a long time now, what with not working out, not eating right, and not sleeping regularly.
I need to fix these things, but I don't even know where to start.
P.S. I just started writing and I swear to you, I'm not in a bad mood. I am sorry if this comes across as whining or whatever. I really just wanted to write something.
On a better note, it stopped snowing. Finally...
And I saw Bob today. We really aren't that close anymore, and it makes me so sad. I've seen him maybe 5 times this semester, but last year, I would see him 5 times a day. It kills me that my social interactions have deteriorated this far. I wish I knew where to even start to bring them back.
I feel so alone right now... Not in an emo way or anything. Really, stating this is just stating a fact. I am alone. I have been alone since the semester started.
I realized today that I've been separated from everything I care about. My education, God, my family, my fiance, my friends, my extracurriculars, my health... I hoped originally that all these things would thrive and grow. Now I'm lucky if they've even remained stagnant rather than just plummeting to the ground.
My grades are terrible. My only relationship with God is asking constantly for help, never praising Him or doing things to glorify Him. My family life is something I desire so much right now, but I've put myself in a position where I wasted the years I had with them and now am suffering without them. My only love is over 200 miles away and our relationship is stagnating. I haven't gone out with friends in the longest time, and when I have, I've felt awkward, guilty and separated. I've dropped every extracurricular I had, which wasn't even a lot to start with, because I've been trying to juggle work, RA and school. I've been sick and unhealthy for a long time now, what with not working out, not eating right, and not sleeping regularly.
I need to fix these things, but I don't even know where to start.
P.S. I just started writing and I swear to you, I'm not in a bad mood. I am sorry if this comes across as whining or whatever. I really just wanted to write something.
- Mood: confused
I have reached another turning point in my life. I submitted an application to Illinois State University today at 9:42pm Eastern time.
Why? Well, let's begin.
I have re-evaluated my priorities and found that family, even future family or people not technically defined as family but family in my heart nonetheless, is too high on my list to ignore any longer. With my mother's health the way it is, one surgery under her belt and another one pending, I feel that spending any more time out of touch with her is detrimental. I wasted many years as a teenager and young child in a bad relationship with her. I regret not loving her, telling her I loved her, and just being the daughter I should have been all those years.
ISU is my choice because of its close proximity to home and its low cost for a state institution. I researched Lewis U and St. Francis, but both were more expensive that I can afford, as they are private, Catholic institutions.
Michigan hasn't satisfied me in the ways I was hoping. While I did receieve a challenge in my education, trying to meet that challenge while still providing adequate income by holding two jobs (one very demanding of time and energy) and dealing with the high level of stress involved in my activities this year has proved to be more difficult that I imagined.
I never really chose GVSU. I happened upon it in my college search and selected it out of necessity for less costly education. Also, time ran out for Carthage as other larger life events took their toll during the application time for scholarship. GVSU was the only choice out of the 3 at that time.
At this point in my college career, I am not looking for the challenge, the best program in the nation or even any specific quality in my institution. I am looking for the piece of paper saying I did my time before I can get out and get on with the things that matter. Family, finally putting my knowledge to use in a real job, getting married, having kids...
Unfortunately, and this disturbing thought only came to me recently, family, children, and all of those things, love, marriage, whatever, don't really matter to the "outside world". What does matter is how you look on paper, where you came from, who you know, what you have to offer. Businesses don't care about the look on your husband's face when he first held his newborn daughter. Payroll doesn't care about your long-standing dream to go to Australia. That interviewer with the stern face and furrowed brow doesn't give a damn about anything but what they can use of you for their own benefit. And if all you have to offer is family, friends and memories, then you're useless to them.
And all this is incredibly unfortunate with my new way of thinking. Because I know that I can never make that strong of an impression on anyone but family. I can never work my way to the top because I won't have the networks, the qualifications, the experience. And I don't care.
I care about the things closest to me. Maybe in some way, that will benefit me some day. But that's not what I am going for. And now is when I would need that conviction anyways, so it's really a shame.
I just hope, because I am not really 100% sure, that this is the right thing for me. I hope I am accepted, and that I can swing it financially, and that this will be as beneficial as I hope. But I just can't possibly know.
I do want it known that I am not transferring to ISU on the basis of my relationship with Matt or any of my other friends. While that is definately something that adds to the pro's side of the argument, it's not the deciding factor. I love him dearly, and being away from him is difficult, but my own mental health and relationship within my current immediate family are what's at stake right now. I feel confident enough with our relationship to know it would last through anything.
That is all.
P.S. Our heat is broken.
Why? Well, let's begin.
I have re-evaluated my priorities and found that family, even future family or people not technically defined as family but family in my heart nonetheless, is too high on my list to ignore any longer. With my mother's health the way it is, one surgery under her belt and another one pending, I feel that spending any more time out of touch with her is detrimental. I wasted many years as a teenager and young child in a bad relationship with her. I regret not loving her, telling her I loved her, and just being the daughter I should have been all those years.
ISU is my choice because of its close proximity to home and its low cost for a state institution. I researched Lewis U and St. Francis, but both were more expensive that I can afford, as they are private, Catholic institutions.
Michigan hasn't satisfied me in the ways I was hoping. While I did receieve a challenge in my education, trying to meet that challenge while still providing adequate income by holding two jobs (one very demanding of time and energy) and dealing with the high level of stress involved in my activities this year has proved to be more difficult that I imagined.
I never really chose GVSU. I happened upon it in my college search and selected it out of necessity for less costly education. Also, time ran out for Carthage as other larger life events took their toll during the application time for scholarship. GVSU was the only choice out of the 3 at that time.
At this point in my college career, I am not looking for the challenge, the best program in the nation or even any specific quality in my institution. I am looking for the piece of paper saying I did my time before I can get out and get on with the things that matter. Family, finally putting my knowledge to use in a real job, getting married, having kids...
Unfortunately, and this disturbing thought only came to me recently, family, children, and all of those things, love, marriage, whatever, don't really matter to the "outside world". What does matter is how you look on paper, where you came from, who you know, what you have to offer. Businesses don't care about the look on your husband's face when he first held his newborn daughter. Payroll doesn't care about your long-standing dream to go to Australia. That interviewer with the stern face and furrowed brow doesn't give a damn about anything but what they can use of you for their own benefit. And if all you have to offer is family, friends and memories, then you're useless to them.
And all this is incredibly unfortunate with my new way of thinking. Because I know that I can never make that strong of an impression on anyone but family. I can never work my way to the top because I won't have the networks, the qualifications, the experience. And I don't care.
I care about the things closest to me. Maybe in some way, that will benefit me some day. But that's not what I am going for. And now is when I would need that conviction anyways, so it's really a shame.
I just hope, because I am not really 100% sure, that this is the right thing for me. I hope I am accepted, and that I can swing it financially, and that this will be as beneficial as I hope. But I just can't possibly know.
I do want it known that I am not transferring to ISU on the basis of my relationship with Matt or any of my other friends. While that is definately something that adds to the pro's side of the argument, it's not the deciding factor. I love him dearly, and being away from him is difficult, but my own mental health and relationship within my current immediate family are what's at stake right now. I feel confident enough with our relationship to know it would last through anything.
That is all.
P.S. Our heat is broken.
- Mood:
cold
I'm trying to read, and the words swim before my eyes. Nothing seems to make sense. I have to write this paper by 9 a.m. tomorrow. I can't form more than a simple sentence.
What if, what if, what if?
I've never wanted something more in my life.
What if, what if, what if?
I've never wanted something more in my life.
- Mood:
desperate
I'm awake. That wouldn't be so terrible except it is nearing four-o-clock in the morning here. Granted, it is a Saturday night, and most college kids are still out drinking, or have just recently returned to their dorms to puke, crash and wake up at 1pm tomorrow.
But here I am. Sober, and very much awake. I tried to catch up on the sleep I've lost and so desperately need. I went to bed nearing ten-o-clock. Lame, I know. But necessary. Needless to say, that backfired.
I laid down, fully-clothed, minutes after "giving my blessing". And I threw a quick prayer up to have Someone watch over him. It was null and void though, when he called a few hours later to let me know they were simply going to a movie. The ring woke me up, out of a restless slumber. Groggy, with dry eyes, I wandered around trying to prepare normally for bed. But the night was shot.
I found myself under the covers not long after that, eyes shut but mind racing. Gradually, it slowed... until a knock on the door. What time was it? Who was there? The last knock heralded horrible news at a strange hour. I looked at the clock. Ten-thirty. I didn't move. I hear it again, my name is called. A resident, looking to hang out. I stayed in bed.
I'm thinking to myself, let me rest. I need this.
Try again, drifting off... Again, a restless sleep. Dreams... strange people, dark places with highlights of red; atmosphere matching the cinemetogrophy of Sin City. He was there, never a comfort. Restless, restless sleep. Something jars me awake. Out of the corner of my eye, movement.
I'm still, then paralyzed. Who's there and what do you want? Could this be my greatest fear, realized? Is He gone protecting the one I love, his back turned for just a moment?
My body is rigid. I dare not to move. And then, a surge of energy rushes through my limbs. I'm electrified, on fire, but I can't move. Everything burns, radiates. My mind goes black, then bright white. What is happening?
It subsides and my heart races. I squeeze my eyes shut, praying to God no one is there. Leave me alone tonight. Just leave me alone. I check the time. Past two a.m. I think of calling him, but my scrambled, empty mind doesn't equate time with where he'll be. And why disturb him after causing so much trouble? He doesn't need to take care of you all the time. Muster up some strength... Where is it? Don't you have any? I thought I told you to save it. Well, you're on your own now.
"Lean on me when you're not strong."
I never looked. I'm sure, someone came and went. But what of the firey shock running through my body? The electricity coursing through my veins? It's better not to know.
Just leave me alone tonight. Don't I deserve a rest? How far will you push me? How many times will I be called to do something more than what my body, my mind, my bending spirit can handle? How many times will You bend me before I break?
The Lord will not bring you to anything He cannot carry you through.
Please, please, save Yourself the energy, and let me rest tonight. Lord, that's all I ask. I plead, I beg... Just one night.
But here I am. Sober, and very much awake. I tried to catch up on the sleep I've lost and so desperately need. I went to bed nearing ten-o-clock. Lame, I know. But necessary. Needless to say, that backfired.
I laid down, fully-clothed, minutes after "giving my blessing". And I threw a quick prayer up to have Someone watch over him. It was null and void though, when he called a few hours later to let me know they were simply going to a movie. The ring woke me up, out of a restless slumber. Groggy, with dry eyes, I wandered around trying to prepare normally for bed. But the night was shot.
I found myself under the covers not long after that, eyes shut but mind racing. Gradually, it slowed... until a knock on the door. What time was it? Who was there? The last knock heralded horrible news at a strange hour. I looked at the clock. Ten-thirty. I didn't move. I hear it again, my name is called. A resident, looking to hang out. I stayed in bed.
I'm thinking to myself, let me rest. I need this.
Try again, drifting off... Again, a restless sleep. Dreams... strange people, dark places with highlights of red; atmosphere matching the cinemetogrophy of Sin City. He was there, never a comfort. Restless, restless sleep. Something jars me awake. Out of the corner of my eye, movement.
I'm still, then paralyzed. Who's there and what do you want? Could this be my greatest fear, realized? Is He gone protecting the one I love, his back turned for just a moment?
My body is rigid. I dare not to move. And then, a surge of energy rushes through my limbs. I'm electrified, on fire, but I can't move. Everything burns, radiates. My mind goes black, then bright white. What is happening?
It subsides and my heart races. I squeeze my eyes shut, praying to God no one is there. Leave me alone tonight. Just leave me alone. I check the time. Past two a.m. I think of calling him, but my scrambled, empty mind doesn't equate time with where he'll be. And why disturb him after causing so much trouble? He doesn't need to take care of you all the time. Muster up some strength... Where is it? Don't you have any? I thought I told you to save it. Well, you're on your own now.
"Lean on me when you're not strong."
I never looked. I'm sure, someone came and went. But what of the firey shock running through my body? The electricity coursing through my veins? It's better not to know.
Just leave me alone tonight. Don't I deserve a rest? How far will you push me? How many times will I be called to do something more than what my body, my mind, my bending spirit can handle? How many times will You bend me before I break?
The Lord will not bring you to anything He cannot carry you through.
Please, please, save Yourself the energy, and let me rest tonight. Lord, that's all I ask. I plead, I beg... Just one night.
- Mood:
lost
- I should have made him go when I had the chance.
- I can't find a way to make him happy, and if I let him go, he claims he won't be happy, so I'm stuck in a terrible bind of never being good enough.
- I can't seem to handle any more stress, and I take it out on him.
- He feels he needs to 'fix' something when he can't see there is anything to fix.
- I am the one causing all the problems.
- He says he's doing a good job, but I haven't noticed any changes in his actions. I feel the reason is because everything is getting worse at the same, relative time making his actions null and void. I wish I could appreciate him more, like he deserves.
- I wish there wasn't always some sort of tension between us. I wish we could finally just be happy together.
- I feel that this is too much of a strain and even once we're together , it might not be enough to drag us out of the place that we're at.
- Nothing I do seems to be right, and I feel I make all the issues.
- He feels the same most of the time.
- No matter who I blame, myself or him, he always feels sad and responsible. So nothing can happen without him feeling upset.
- I feel there is no way to make things right, and I am guilty as sin for it.
How did this happen... How did i get to this point? feeling so down on myself right now. i'm overwhelmed and that seems to be the theme for this semester. I can't tell you how many times i've felt pure, unmistakable frustration. there literally aren't enough house in the day to do what is required. i missed time because i was sick, and now there is no way to recreate hours or days in which to fit these tasks. im feeling SOL right now. just kinda stuck with no where to go. not to mention the impending time of year, the lack of exercise that i've been able to do, the poor eating and sleeping habits, and essentially just the downfall of my physical self. and with the first thing, the decline of my mental/emotional self. and top that with stress from RAing, figuring out where (and even how) i'm going to live next year, money and loans, not being able to even buy groceries or get my prescription filled... I'm just unravelling a bit, and it feels there's no one to go to. i can't burder those already burdened. and i'm causing enough problems with the one and only...
my only consolation seems to be the Lord right now. He and I have been pretty tight lately. I've felt a renewed sense of comfort and connection there...
I wish that could help me more in a concrete way... I wish i could let this all go...
my only consolation seems to be the Lord right now. He and I have been pretty tight lately. I've felt a renewed sense of comfort and connection there...
I wish that could help me more in a concrete way... I wish i could let this all go...
Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is
Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is.
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
It's okay
It's okay
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is
Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is.
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
It's okay
It's okay
- Mood:
cranky - Music:"Empty Apartment" by Yellowcard
~You are wasting time writing about this. You are wasting time talking about this. Mine and yours.
But I need to.
~No. You don't. You should be stronger than this. You have other things on your plate that need to be dealt with. Make it wait.
It can't. It spends so much time repressed that when it wants to bubble up and ooze its way into my life, it will.
~Well you need to focus. Class, work, friends, job, duty, projects, papers, social life, programs. Do it.
I can't. If I don't acknowledge it, it gets worse.
~Look at yourself. You sound weak. You look weak, sitting there, teary-eyed with shaking hands. Quiet voice, faltering if you aren't careful. This isn't you.
Yes, it is. I'm broken, a failure. I'm tainted and stolen and incomplete. I've had things taken from me, strength and beauty and innocence.
~Put up a facade. Don't let them know how you feel. They won't love you. They'll only hurt you more, like he did.
You're right. What if it happens again? I'm not invincible. There's no "paying your dues". Three, four times it's happened to some. I am not the exception. Why build myself back up just to fall?
~Exactly. You're not alone, but you're also not safe. There's no garuntee. Still, you can't let them see you falling.
I know. I'm weak and changed. Where is that little carefree girl who knew nothing but summers and friends and playing outside? Where is the childhood I lost so early? It can't really be gone forever.
~It is.
Can I be whole without it? I'm missing that experience, there's a void.
~Deal.
I need to be strong.
~You need to be strong.
But he says I can talk to him. I can tell him anything. He's always here.
~You know that isn't true. You'll push him to far, drive him away. You'll need him too much, and he won't want it anymore. If anything can shove him away, this can.
But he promised to love me. We're getting married, soon! He wouldn't leave.
~He won't, if you don't bombard him with this. You always fall apart during these months. You always try and pretend you're okay, and you always fail. He won't take you like that, a broken, stricken woman. Neither of you waited, but you never had the choice. Being weak and taken advantage of... there's no way he would still want someone like that.
He would. He promised.
~Have it your way. But when he leaves, don't come crawling back to me.
You're wrong. He'll always be there. I know it. I'm wearing his ring. I know his past, I'm in his future. We won't give up on each other.
~Suit yourself.
I'm stronger than this. That doesn't mean I won't fall apart, that I won't need to be held. That doesn't mean that time is meaningless, dates aren't significant. It doesn't mean I can forget it ever happened. But I've built this life to make it work. Secured ties with people who know me, inside and out. They'll be there. They won't leave.
~But--
I silence you and your doubtful mind.
~I--
You are not who I am. I am strong and I am weak. So what if I'm a paradox. I'm loved, but not held indifferently. And that is the absolute truth.
But I need to.
~No. You don't. You should be stronger than this. You have other things on your plate that need to be dealt with. Make it wait.
It can't. It spends so much time repressed that when it wants to bubble up and ooze its way into my life, it will.
~Well you need to focus. Class, work, friends, job, duty, projects, papers, social life, programs. Do it.
I can't. If I don't acknowledge it, it gets worse.
~Look at yourself. You sound weak. You look weak, sitting there, teary-eyed with shaking hands. Quiet voice, faltering if you aren't careful. This isn't you.
Yes, it is. I'm broken, a failure. I'm tainted and stolen and incomplete. I've had things taken from me, strength and beauty and innocence.
~Put up a facade. Don't let them know how you feel. They won't love you. They'll only hurt you more, like he did.
You're right. What if it happens again? I'm not invincible. There's no "paying your dues". Three, four times it's happened to some. I am not the exception. Why build myself back up just to fall?
~Exactly. You're not alone, but you're also not safe. There's no garuntee. Still, you can't let them see you falling.
I know. I'm weak and changed. Where is that little carefree girl who knew nothing but summers and friends and playing outside? Where is the childhood I lost so early? It can't really be gone forever.
~It is.
Can I be whole without it? I'm missing that experience, there's a void.
~Deal.
I need to be strong.
~You need to be strong.
But he says I can talk to him. I can tell him anything. He's always here.
~You know that isn't true. You'll push him to far, drive him away. You'll need him too much, and he won't want it anymore. If anything can shove him away, this can.
But he promised to love me. We're getting married, soon! He wouldn't leave.
~He won't, if you don't bombard him with this. You always fall apart during these months. You always try and pretend you're okay, and you always fail. He won't take you like that, a broken, stricken woman. Neither of you waited, but you never had the choice. Being weak and taken advantage of... there's no way he would still want someone like that.
He would. He promised.
~Have it your way. But when he leaves, don't come crawling back to me.
You're wrong. He'll always be there. I know it. I'm wearing his ring. I know his past, I'm in his future. We won't give up on each other.
~Suit yourself.
I'm stronger than this. That doesn't mean I won't fall apart, that I won't need to be held. That doesn't mean that time is meaningless, dates aren't significant. It doesn't mean I can forget it ever happened. But I've built this life to make it work. Secured ties with people who know me, inside and out. They'll be there. They won't leave.
~But--
I silence you and your doubtful mind.
~I--
You are not who I am. I am strong and I am weak. So what if I'm a paradox. I'm loved, but not held indifferently. And that is the absolute truth.
- Mood: disoriented
1. Real Name – Lisa Renee- It doesn't get any shorter or longer.
2. Like it - Not really.
3. Single or Taken - Taken.
4. Zodiac Sign – Gemini.
5. Male or Female - Female.
6. Elementary – Haines and Oakview.
7. Middle – Martino and Liberty.
8. High - Lincoln-Way Central.
9. College - Grand Valley.
10. Hair Color – Brown.
11. Eye Color – Blue.
12. Hair Length – Shoulder length.
13. Current Worry – That I won't be able to fix my health.
14. Race – White.
15. Are you a health freak – Haha, apparently not.
16. Height – 5'5''.
17. Do you have a crush on someone - I'd say so.
18. D you like yourself – Sure.
19. Piercing - None.
20. Tattoos- Not yet.
21. Righty or Lefty - Right.
FIRSTS-
22. First Surgery – Hasn't happened.
23. First Piercing- Ears, but I had to let them close.
24. First Best Friend- Elise Baron.
25. First Award – Uhm, softball trophy?
26. First Sport - Softball.
27. First Pet – Flipper, the goldfish.
28. First Vacation – Probably Wisconsin.
29. First Teacher - Mrs. Kurkamp was my first grade teacher.
30. First Crush – A.J. Zang, lol.
31. Orange or Apple Juice - Apple with Chai, but Orange with other things. XD
32. Rock or Rap - Rock
33. Country or Screamo - Country.
34. N*SYNC or Backstreet Boys- Idk... I went to a Backstreet Boys concert.
35. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera- Idk here either. Never listened to either.
36. Night or Day- Night
37. Playstation or XBOX- N-64... Hahah! Playstation, if you have to ask.
38. Kiss or Hug – Hug!
39. Iguana or Turtle- I like turtles.
40. Fall or Spring- Spring.
41. Limewire or iTunes – iTunes.
42. Soccer or Baseball – Soccer to watch, baseball to play.
43. Drinking – Is this a first? I'm drinking lemonade right now.
44. About To – Go on rounds.
45. Singing – Nothing. Sore throat.
46. Typing – This word now this word now this word...
FUTURE-
47. Want Kids - Yes, now..
48. When - After I get married.
49. Want to Get Married - I would hope the answer is yes at this point.
50. When – August '11 sounds good.
51. Where Do You Want to Live – Doesn't matter, IL of IN prob.
52. How Many Kids Do You Want – 1-2.
53. Any Name on the Mind – Maria Ann or Emily Marie
54. What Did You Want To Be When You Were Little – A writer.
55. What Do You Think You'll Really Be Doing - Social work.
56. Mellow Future or Wild – Both.
57. Something You Would Never Try - It's hard to say things that I would never do. I'd really like to try everything! Except for death. That seems like it would suck.
58. When do you wanna die? - One minute before him.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX-
59. Lips or Eyes - Eyes.
60. Hugging or Kissing – I like hugs.
61. Shorter or Taller - Doesn't matter really.
62. Tan Skinned or Light – Haha, "tanned" if you can call it that. =P.
63. Romantic or Spontaneous - Spontaneously romantic XD!
64. Dark or Light hair – Mmmm, dark.
65. Muscular or Normal - Muscular. =D
66. Hook-up or Relationship - Relationship, during which you hook up, lol.
67. Similar to you or different - Similar. But with differences. Dating someone really similar to me would be very very scary.
HAVE YOU EVER-
68. Kissed a stranger - No.
69. Drank bubbles - Yeah, they were flavored.
70. Broken a bone – No, unless you count my thumb...?
71. Climbed up a tree- Yes! I'm a monkey!
72. Broken someone's heart – Not that I know of.
73. Turned someone down – Yes.
74. Had your heart broken – I don't really think it matters. It's being held together just fine now.
75. Liked a friend as more than a friend – lmao, apparently, that's the story of my life now.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN-
76. Yourself - Most of the time.
77. Miracles – Yes.
78. Love at first sight – Kinda... I think it's lust and attraction.
79. Santa Claus – Nope.
80. Kiss on first date - I don't think so.
81. Angels - Sure.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY-
82. Are there one or more people you want to be with right now – One. Only one.
83. Who is it – Matt! =D
84. Like someone – Oh, just a little bit. =P
LASTS-
85. text message - Patrice.
86. Received call - Matt.
87. Call made – Voicemail.
88. Facebook message- Uhh... I don't remember.
89. Missed call - Matt.
2. Like it - Not really.
3. Single or Taken - Taken.
4. Zodiac Sign – Gemini.
5. Male or Female - Female.
6. Elementary – Haines and Oakview.
7. Middle – Martino and Liberty.
8. High - Lincoln-Way Central.
9. College - Grand Valley.
10. Hair Color – Brown.
11. Eye Color – Blue.
12. Hair Length – Shoulder length.
13. Current Worry – That I won't be able to fix my health.
14. Race – White.
15. Are you a health freak – Haha, apparently not.
16. Height – 5'5''.
17. Do you have a crush on someone - I'd say so.
18. D you like yourself – Sure.
19. Piercing - None.
20. Tattoos- Not yet.
21. Righty or Lefty - Right.
FIRSTS-
22. First Surgery – Hasn't happened.
23. First Piercing- Ears, but I had to let them close.
24. First Best Friend- Elise Baron.
25. First Award – Uhm, softball trophy?
26. First Sport - Softball.
27. First Pet – Flipper, the goldfish.
28. First Vacation – Probably Wisconsin.
29. First Teacher - Mrs. Kurkamp was my first grade teacher.
30. First Crush – A.J. Zang, lol.
31. Orange or Apple Juice - Apple with Chai, but Orange with other things. XD
32. Rock or Rap - Rock
33. Country or Screamo - Country.
34. N*SYNC or Backstreet Boys- Idk... I went to a Backstreet Boys concert.
35. Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera- Idk here either. Never listened to either.
36. Night or Day- Night
37. Playstation or XBOX- N-64... Hahah! Playstation, if you have to ask.
38. Kiss or Hug – Hug!
39. Iguana or Turtle- I like turtles.
40. Fall or Spring- Spring.
41. Limewire or iTunes – iTunes.
42. Soccer or Baseball – Soccer to watch, baseball to play.
43. Drinking – Is this a first? I'm drinking lemonade right now.
44. About To – Go on rounds.
45. Singing – Nothing. Sore throat.
46. Typing – This word now this word now this word...
FUTURE-
47. Want Kids - Yes, now..
48. When - After I get married.
49. Want to Get Married - I would hope the answer is yes at this point.
50. When – August '11 sounds good.
51. Where Do You Want to Live – Doesn't matter, IL of IN prob.
52. How Many Kids Do You Want – 1-2.
53. Any Name on the Mind – Maria Ann or Emily Marie
54. What Did You Want To Be When You Were Little – A writer.
55. What Do You Think You'll Really Be Doing - Social work.
56. Mellow Future or Wild – Both.
57. Something You Would Never Try - It's hard to say things that I would never do. I'd really like to try everything! Except for death. That seems like it would suck.
58. When do you wanna die? - One minute before him.
WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OPPOSITE SEX-
59. Lips or Eyes - Eyes.
60. Hugging or Kissing – I like hugs.
61. Shorter or Taller - Doesn't matter really.
62. Tan Skinned or Light – Haha, "tanned" if you can call it that. =P.
63. Romantic or Spontaneous - Spontaneously romantic XD!
64. Dark or Light hair – Mmmm, dark.
65. Muscular or Normal - Muscular. =D
66. Hook-up or Relationship - Relationship, during which you hook up, lol.
67. Similar to you or different - Similar. But with differences. Dating someone really similar to me would be very very scary.
HAVE YOU EVER-
68. Kissed a stranger - No.
69. Drank bubbles - Yeah, they were flavored.
70. Broken a bone – No, unless you count my thumb...?
71. Climbed up a tree- Yes! I'm a monkey!
72. Broken someone's heart – Not that I know of.
73. Turned someone down – Yes.
74. Had your heart broken – I don't really think it matters. It's being held together just fine now.
75. Liked a friend as more than a friend – lmao, apparently, that's the story of my life now.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN-
76. Yourself - Most of the time.
77. Miracles – Yes.
78. Love at first sight – Kinda... I think it's lust and attraction.
79. Santa Claus – Nope.
80. Kiss on first date - I don't think so.
81. Angels - Sure.
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY-
82. Are there one or more people you want to be with right now – One. Only one.
83. Who is it – Matt! =D
84. Like someone – Oh, just a little bit. =P
LASTS-
85. text message - Patrice.
86. Received call - Matt.
87. Call made – Voicemail.
88. Facebook message- Uhh... I don't remember.
89. Missed call - Matt.
- Mood: cranky
The only way to describe the way I'm feeling now is unravelled. I'm coming apart at the seams, very, very slowly. It started weeks ago. I had a two week period where there was so much to do, I was going to bed close to 2 or 3 in the morning and getting up by 7 or 8 every day. I was under a lot of stress and demands and finally broke. I had an anxiety attack, though not as bad as the one last year. After that, about two weeks ago, my health went down the crapper. I lost my appetite. I became very dehydrated. I had constant headaches. I was tired all the time. I couldn't sleep, and then I would sleep in and miss classes. I couldn't concentrate.
And now, here it is, three weeks since this has all began, and not feeling much stronger. I am trying to force myself to drink water, but it makes my stomach so upset. I can't eat enough to satisfy my needs because what room is in my stomach is filled with water. I'm still tired all the time, and have fallen asleep in class twice in the past week. I spent two hours the other night laying on the couch, staring into space, wrapped in a blanket and feeling worn down.
I want my energy back. I want to be warm and not feel this chill in my hands and feet all the time. I want my headaches to disappear. I want to fall asleep and wake up refreshed, not feeling like I just passed out two minutes before my alarm went off. I want to make it to class, and be able to pay attention. I want to eat more than the equivalent of one and a half meals a day.
This is ridiculous. It's not even that I'm so incredibly busy now. Now it is just having lost so much energy to a few rough weeks with little sleep and all that I can't catch up. I need a break. I need to rest and regain my strength. I can't finish the semester like this... I won't make it.
Something's gotta give...
- Mood:
tired - Music:"Our childhood dreams are gone..."
"This vacation's useless.
These white pills aren't kind.
I've given a lot of thought on this 13-hour drive.
I miss the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights.
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we use to have.
The days have come and gone.
Our lives went by so fast.
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor,
Where I laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight; will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is...
Those notes you wrote me,
I've kept them all.
I've given a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall.
With every single letter in every single word,
There will be a hidden message about a boy that
loves a girl.
Do you care if I don't know what to say?
Will you sleep tonight; will you think of me?
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay?
That there's someone out there who feels just like me?
There is..."
- Music:"There Is" by Boxcar Racer
So I'm kinda out of it and have been procrastinating all night. I figure why stop now. So I'm just typing this with very tired hands and heading to bed. Every part of my hand is sore from rock climbing, so pardon if I make typing errors and don't care enough to go back and fix them.
1. I’ve come to realize that, my life…
...is drastically different than I thought it would be at this point.
2. I’ve come to realize that, I talk…
...too much and should listen more.
3. I’ve come to realize that, I like…
...lists.
4. I’ve come to realize that, I have…
...overcome many obstacles and am better for it (and for him).
5. I’ve come to realize that, I’ve lost…
…a friend.
6. I’ve come to realize that, I hate it when…
…people don't belay you properly.
7. I’ve come to realize that, marriage is…
…soon. =D
8. I’ve come to realize that, somewhere, someone is thinking…
…about the future.
9. I’ve come to realize that, I’ll always…
...have him.
10. I’ve come to realize that, I have a crush on…
…this beautiful boy.
11. I’ve come to realize that, The last time I truly cried was…
…out of fear of losing him by my own mistakes.
12. I’ve come to realize that, My cell phone…
…a turd.
14. I’ve come to realize that, Before I go to sleep at night…
…I have to say goodnight and I love you to him.
15. I’ve come to realize that, Right now I am thinking about…
…Friday night.
16. I’ve come to realize that, babies…
…are actually in my future, which was NOT the case before.
17. I’ve come to realize that, I go on MySpace…
…never?
18. I’ve come to realize that, today…
…was long.
19. I’ve come to realize that, tonight I will…
…sleep.
20. I’ve come to realize that, tomorrow I will…
…pack!
21. I’ve come to realize that, I really want to…
…marry him now, as I hate this waiting game.
- Mood: sore
- Music:"And it feels like tonight..."
TEN HOW'S:
How did you get one of your scars?
Racing someone to get shotgun and wiping out on the pavement.
How did you celebrate your last birthday?
An unhappy/happy party with close friends.
How are you feeling at this moment?
Okay; excited for the weekend.
How did your night go last night?
Okay. I was on duty.
How did you do in high school?
Pretty decent. 4.4-ish, top 10 percent.
How did you get the shirt you're wearing?
The store.
How often do you see your best friend?
Not often enough and he knows it.
How much money did you spend last month?
Not a whole lot.
How old do you want to be when you get married?
Out of college, which it seems it will be.
How old will you be at your next birthday?
20.
NINE WHAT'S:
What is your mother's name?
Mary
What did you do last weekend?
Was on duty.
What is the most important part of your life?
My fiancee, my education and my family.
What would you rather be doing?
Napping.
What did you last cry over?
Distance.
What always makes you feel better when you’re upset?
Talking to Matt on the phone.
What’s the most important thing you look for in a significant other?
Ability to communicate.
What are you worried about?
Money.
What did you have for breakfast?
Small bowl of cereal and milk.
EIGHT HAVE YOU’S:
Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend?
Yea.
Have you ever had your heartbroken?
Hrm... not my heart, but my spirit.
Have you ever been out of the country?
NO.
Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Of course.
Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend?
Yar.
Have you ever had sex on the beach?
The drink or the... act? And neither... yet.
Have you ever dated someone younger than you?
Uh...*thinking* by a few months yes.
Have you ever read an entire book in one day?
Of course.
SEVEN WHO’S:
Who was the last person you saw?
That I know? Vaguely, Mike from 2nd floor.
Who was the last person you texted?
Annie
Who was the last person you hung out with?
Uhm... Nathan and Russ I think. We went to Fresh together.
Who was the last person to call you?
Probably Matt.
Who did you last hug?
Amanda.
Who is the last person who texted you?
Annie.
Who was the las person you said "i love you" to?
My mom.
SIX WHERE’S:
Where does your best friend live?
Illinois.
Where did you last go?
Meijer.
Where did you last hang out?
Probably Justin's room.
Where do you go to school?
GVSU!
Where is your favorite place to be?
The Locust apts.
Where did you sleep last night?
My bed.
FIVE DO’S/DOES:
Do you like someone right now?
'Course.
Do you think anyone likes you?
Haha, yeah.
Do you ever wish you were someone else?
Not really.
Do you know the muffin man?
Nope.
Does the future scare you?
A bit.
FOUR WHY’S:
Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)?
'Cause he's awesome.
Why did you get a myspace?
I have not this "my space" you speak of.
Why did your parents give you the name you have?
They...liked...it...?
Why are you doing this survey?
Procrastination!
THREE IF’S:
If you could have one super power what would it be??
Fly.
If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you?
Maybe. Probably not.
If you were stranded on a deserted island and could bring one thing what would you bring?
A boat. Duh.
TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER’S:
Would you ever get back together with any of your ex’s if they asked you?
Nah. Pretty happy. <--- understatement of the year.
Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love?
Sure.
ONE LAST QUESTION
Are you happy with your life right now?
For the most part. I can't really ask for anything more.
- Mood:
contemplative - Music:"Maybe you're gonna be the one that saves me..."
Bringin' home the bacon, rollin' in the dough, the green, the big bucks, the moola...
I've been thinking about money lately. Where to spend it, how to earn it, how to save it, how much I need now and will need later. I feel like I should be saving more. Is this how college goes for everyone? A friend of mine has to pay nothing, gets monthly allowances from her family and just had a 5,000 bond mature. She's set.
Another friend of mine called her for help to pay for her books last semester.
There's the two extremes, but it seems that when you don't have it, you need it. And when you need it, it seems that everyone has it but you.
I've forgone quite a few things this year in order to save money, or not spend money I don't have. I could travel to Ireland this spring, but I don't have 2,700 dollars to spend. Nor do I want to be paying off loans for the rest of my life to get it.
For that particular instance though, it is kind of a catch-22. If I spend the money now, I might have a better chance at getting a good job in the social work field because of my international experience. However, if the payoff from that advantage is not higher than the loans I would incur, I've actually done worse for me. I need to get a high paying job, which means I need experience. But that experience costs money I don't have now. And so I'm stuck.
I've been thinking about making a budget. I don't have very many expenses. But those that I do have seem very large with my limited income. I have also consided getting a job for the weekends to bring in some extra money. I am worried about classes right now, though, and know that I need to get good grades and keep up my GPA. Without that, I lose my place in the Honors College and have to start classes all over. That would mean up to another full year here. There's no money for that.
I really feel stuck in a giant rut here. I turn one way thinking I've found a solution, and only encounter another obstacle. I keep being presented with amazing opportunities (sorority, spring break trips, Campus Ministry trips, study abroad, service and learning trips, outings with friends) and I've had to turn them all down.
My latest issue deals with a trip this December to New Orleans. It counts as three credits in one week, and we get to work with Habitat for Humanity to rebuild the homes and businesses of those who lost them in Hurricane Katrina. And while I'm incredibly interested in this, it costs 550 dollars plus the cost of tuition for those three credit hours. It's more managable, sure... the number is smaller. But really... I don't feel comfortable stating the amount in my debit account right now but it is not enough.
And how do I get that? I cannot ask my parents. I have no additional time to take another job at the moment, between RAing and working on campus. Any of my friends I would feel comfortable asking for money are no better off than I am. And those with the money, I would feel awkward taking it. Besides, it's not a life or death thing. It's simply an amazing opportunity that, like everything else, I am not going to get to do and will regret for the rest of my life.
I wanted Australia so badly. Ireland was a second place finish, but I would've taken it in a heart beat. The sorority would have been incredible, fun, and a great chance to finally find the friendships I've been missing. The spring break trip I did last year changed my life. I got closer to God and understood my own limits better... but not this year.
I know I'm missing out and I hate it. It's not even a materialistic thing. I don't want money to buy things, clothes, cars, whatever. I want it to further my education, to have the experiences that would change my career, my personal life, my person. And I don't even get that. It doesn't seem fair. I would do anything for a couple hundred dollars right now, and I don't like being reduced to that.
I've been thinking about money lately. Where to spend it, how to earn it, how to save it, how much I need now and will need later. I feel like I should be saving more. Is this how college goes for everyone? A friend of mine has to pay nothing, gets monthly allowances from her family and just had a 5,000 bond mature. She's set.
Another friend of mine called her for help to pay for her books last semester.
There's the two extremes, but it seems that when you don't have it, you need it. And when you need it, it seems that everyone has it but you.
I've forgone quite a few things this year in order to save money, or not spend money I don't have. I could travel to Ireland this spring, but I don't have 2,700 dollars to spend. Nor do I want to be paying off loans for the rest of my life to get it.
For that particular instance though, it is kind of a catch-22. If I spend the money now, I might have a better chance at getting a good job in the social work field because of my international experience. However, if the payoff from that advantage is not higher than the loans I would incur, I've actually done worse for me. I need to get a high paying job, which means I need experience. But that experience costs money I don't have now. And so I'm stuck.
I've been thinking about making a budget. I don't have very many expenses. But those that I do have seem very large with my limited income. I have also consided getting a job for the weekends to bring in some extra money. I am worried about classes right now, though, and know that I need to get good grades and keep up my GPA. Without that, I lose my place in the Honors College and have to start classes all over. That would mean up to another full year here. There's no money for that.
I really feel stuck in a giant rut here. I turn one way thinking I've found a solution, and only encounter another obstacle. I keep being presented with amazing opportunities (sorority, spring break trips, Campus Ministry trips, study abroad, service and learning trips, outings with friends) and I've had to turn them all down.
My latest issue deals with a trip this December to New Orleans. It counts as three credits in one week, and we get to work with Habitat for Humanity to rebuild the homes and businesses of those who lost them in Hurricane Katrina. And while I'm incredibly interested in this, it costs 550 dollars plus the cost of tuition for those three credit hours. It's more managable, sure... the number is smaller. But really... I don't feel comfortable stating the amount in my debit account right now but it is not enough.
And how do I get that? I cannot ask my parents. I have no additional time to take another job at the moment, between RAing and working on campus. Any of my friends I would feel comfortable asking for money are no better off than I am. And those with the money, I would feel awkward taking it. Besides, it's not a life or death thing. It's simply an amazing opportunity that, like everything else, I am not going to get to do and will regret for the rest of my life.
I wanted Australia so badly. Ireland was a second place finish, but I would've taken it in a heart beat. The sorority would have been incredible, fun, and a great chance to finally find the friendships I've been missing. The spring break trip I did last year changed my life. I got closer to God and understood my own limits better... but not this year.
I know I'm missing out and I hate it. It's not even a materialistic thing. I don't want money to buy things, clothes, cars, whatever. I want it to further my education, to have the experiences that would change my career, my personal life, my person. And I don't even get that. It doesn't seem fair. I would do anything for a couple hundred dollars right now, and I don't like being reduced to that.
I guess my only real option is to do one of the things I mentioned before. Budget, save, find another job. Forgo things now so that in the long run it will be okay. But really, I shouldn't fool myself with that last one. I am barely getting by, and making it to the long run with anything to contribute is going to be tough.
- Location:Apartment
- Mood:
cynical - Music:"Are you going to Scarborough Fair?"
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